The DNA of marriage

In my few years of ministry, I have found it humbling and inspiring to share in the joys and sorrows of the families to whom I minister. Whether it be witnessing a couple’s love and outlook on life as I prepare them for marriage, or see their love made manifest in their child brought forth to the waters of baptism or to be with spouses as they say their farewell at death. What is evident is their love for one another. You yourself have probably participated in these many sacred moments, you too have witnessed how marriage is the closest and most intimate of all human friendships that reflects the love of God.

Indeed, marriage is an intimate communion of love and life, which God has made love-giving and life-giving. The person shares their whole self, their whole life with their spouse, including the good, the bad and the ugly. Like all friendships, there will be disagreements, and for many people, that can be a challenge. There is the notion that marriage is like a romantic movie or should have a fairytale-like ending in which “they lived happily ever after.” The reality is that there will be unexpected challenges, miscommunication, disappointments, and there will inevitably be conflict. But how do couples move beyond these sources of division?

We cannot continue to look through rose-colored glasses. We must accept that there are difficulties and challenges in the Christian life. Jesus, before His Ascension, reminded his disciples, “In the world you will have trouble” (Jn 16:33). The sacrament of marriage itself is not outside of this, nor is any other vocation. When conflicts arise in marriage, spouses should not disparage, but realize that it is a natural and healthy part of marriage. And if you think it’s not, just refer to the wedding vows: “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” Marriage takes work. It is beautiful yet challenging. Love can be messy.

Many couples have the outlook that their marriage will be perfect. While they can control the ritual of marriage to some extent, to make it perfect, they cannot control what hurdles the marriage will face. It is easy to love a person when they are better, richer, and in good health, but how do you approach a person when they are at their worst, when they are poorer, or suffering from sickness? In the toughest of times, when it might seem like a lot of work, and it would seem easy to just walk away, spouses are called to love one another in an even more intimate way. It is more than just staying together for the sake of marriage but growing in love from the first time they say, “I do.”

Bishop Mulvey, in his pastoral letter entitled, “I Am With You Always Until the End of the Age,” reminds us that a “distinctive mark of divine love shows that God takes the first step. […] Love always acts first.” This is true for a couple facing conflict. In the face of challenges, they should act first in love. For an example of this, we do not have to look far. Look to the cross. There we see love in its purest form, and it is messy. It is even hard to look at, but it is beautiful because we know the depth of God’s love for each of us. In showing us His love for us, God provides us the ultimate example of how spouses should love one another. St. Paul beautifully expresses this in his letter to the Ephesians, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her” (Ephesians 5:25-26). Husbands and wives are called to love one another sacrificially. It is through the sacramental bond of marriage that a man and woman receive the grace to love each other with the love of Christ for His Church to help sanctify one another and lead each other to the heavenly banquet.

When the “two become one,” they no longer live for themselves but for each other. The poet John Donne famously wrote, “No man is an island entire of itself.” Often, we think we are made for ourselves, and we remain focused on ourselves and our own wellbeing, but our faith teaches us that we are created for something far greater than ourselves; we are created for communion. In communion, it is no longer “I” and “you,” but “we” and “us.” In this sense, the relationship builds on a teamwork mentality in which both the husband and wife work together for the common good. In the sacrament of marriage, a husband and wife enter a communion of love that desires the good of one another and their children.

Working towards the mutual sanctification of spouses is not an easy thing. No one likes to admit they are imperfect. Sometimes an individual’s insecurities, struggles and past traumas also come up. Each of these creates conflict and divisions within the marriage. The key is not to ignore these challenges but to use these moments as opportunities for love and grace. In the face of challenges, a man and woman are called to accompany one another. A characteristic of God’s love is “the fact that love accompanies people and shares in their situation.” Rather than walking away from a spouse when they are angry, sad or suffering, we are called to walk with them. They are called to cry together, laugh together, suffer together, pray together, respect, and love one another in Christ.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” (1 Cor 13:4-8).
True love never fails, and if we live with God in our lives, our marriages will not fail.

St. John Chrysostom famously said, “the love of husband and wife is the force that welds society together.” You see, when a man and a woman are able to step outside of themselves and embrace the beauty of marriage and enter into deep communion of life and love, they reflect a love that transcends their own, God’s love for all of us. More than ever, in a time when there is so much conflict and division in the world, we need strong Catholic marriages to remind that love can conquer and endure all things and unite all things.
 

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Deacon Santos Jones is Director of Catechesis, Adult Formation and College Campus Ministry for the Diocese of Corpus Christi.