Chastity, a virtue of love
-
August 1, 2018Elizabeth Nguyen is the Diocesan Director
of the Office of Laity, Family and Life.
In all my years of working with young people, first as a teacher and now as a diocesan director of family life, I have noticed that chastity is a misunderstood virtue. Today, it seems like everywhere we turn there are messages about “following your heart” and “being true to yourself.”While these phrases sound good, they’re not helpful when it comes to protecting ourselves from harm. These cultural phrases we commonly find in popular entertainment lead us into being deceived by our feelings which are fleeting and unpredictable.
On the other hand, our culture warns us about other dangerous behaviors. The phrase, “think before you drink” might be one that we’ve heard before. It urges us to use our minds and think about the consequences of the action we are considering at the time.
The problem is that while we have many phrases that warn us about dangerous behaviors, we don’t often consider that there are behaviors that our culture no longer believes to be dangerous, and most of these have to do with our sexual morality.
Since the dawn of the sexual revolution in the 1960’s, we’ve been told these rules and restrictions were made up to prevent us from being happy and fulfilled. Many times, we’re even told that not expressing our sexual feelings is dangerous and leads to psychological harm.
So, when the Church urges us to practice the virtue of chastity, we take that to mean that we have to say “no” to participating in activities that promise great freedom and fulfillment in our modern age.
If that’s all we understand about the virtue of chastity, it’s no wonder why we are struggling to live it.
According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, chastity is “the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being.” This definition means that chastity can be achieved and maintained when a person acts in a way that tells the truth about one’s body in union with one’s state in life.
Chastity is not just saying “no” to sex. It is so much more. Living a chaste life allows us the freedom to love fully. It provides us with the opportunity to develop friendships built on mutual respect. It respects who we are as creations made in the image and likeness of God, and it fulfills our desires at a much deeper level than what a moment of empty self-gratification could ever provide.
How do we know what chaste-living looks like?
First, we look to our loving Creator who gives us some perfect directions. At a natural level, we can observe our bodies and what they were designed to do. Men and women have a beautiful complementarity that is demonstrated through their physical bodies. Men’s bodies communicate gift and women’s bodies communicates receptivity. Men’s bodies are strong and protective. Women’s bodies are soft and nurturing.
Through revelation in scripture, we see that men and women are both made in the image and likeness of God and made for one another. “This one, at last, is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called ‘woman,’ for out of ‘her man’ this one has been taken” (Gen 3:25).
We also learn that marriage is required in order for sexual union and any children that might come should be protected in a bond. “When a man seduces a virgin who is not betrothed and lies with her, he shall pay her marriage price and marry her,” Exodus 22:15.
Finally, we learn that marriage (according to the new law in Christ that fulfills and perfects the old law) is indissoluble. “But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother [and be joined to his wife], and the two shall become one flesh. So, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human must separate” (Mark 10: 5-9).
Both naturally and spiritually, we have indications that men and women were made for one another. We also have guidance that any sexual activity is to be protected by the bond of marriage and that this bond is made sacred and indissoluble by God. Chastity is this practice of understanding and living according to God’s plan for our sexuality.
Married couples face many threats to chaste living in our modern age. Contraceptive use and sterilization practices are widely used and considered a socially acceptable way to control family size. While being seriously sinful, these practices also become obstacles to practicing chastity within marriage.
Couples often begin to suffer from lack of communication or feelings of being mere objects for their spouse’s pleasure. This is because the total gift of self that is communicated in the sexual act is being compromised by another message of denial. While pretending to give completely, spouses that cut off their gifts of fertility to one another withhold parts of themselves.
It is no accident that the rate of divorce has increased since the widespread use of contraceptives and sterilization practices. Couples who have a need to delay having children or space births or who might have a serious condition that prevents them from being able to carry or care for more children can benefit from natural methods of family planning that make use of scientific methods of fertility tracking to avoid physical intimacy on those days in a woman’s cycle when she is fertile.
Natural family planning is a great way to help build the virtue of chastity in a marriage because each time the couple comes together, they are giving themselves entirely to one other while discerning God’s plan for their family.
Another obstacle to living out chastity is the use of pornography. Pornography works like a drug in the brain, always requiring more stimulation with each exposure to get to that next high. With repeated use, pornography desensitizes a person’s natural desires and replaces them with unnatural, disordered desires. With the saturation of pornography on the internet, many children are exposed to their first images at a very young age and can continue to develop the habit into adulthood, where it often becomes a struggle in their married relationship.
Far from being a tool to “spice up” a couple’s intimate life, pornography actually works against excitement between the couple. Breaking the bonds of pornography addiction requires constant vigilance and a deep commitment to fostering the virtue of chastity.
In recent decades, our culture has begun to promote homosexual behavior as misunderstood and even virtuous. Proponents of so-called “gay” marriage and lifestyles are quick to condemn anyone who would question this behavior that runs contrary to our human nature, as men and women created in the image and likeness of God.
Nature has revealed to us the goodness of God’s creation. The study of biology tells us that the only sexual encounters that have a possibility of being fruitful are those between a man and a woman. Biblically, fruitfulness has always been a sign of health and blessing, whereas sterility has always caused mourning and concern.
Couples who struggle with infertility know of this cross that has not been chosen by them. Like Abram and Sarai, Jacob and Rachel, Elkanah and Hannah, and Zachariah and Elizabeth, they yearn for God to bless them with children. For these couples, infertility cannot be predicted because their biology communicates that their bodies should be capable of producing children.
However, same-sex couples know from the beginning of their relationship that any encounters that would give them pleasure are always going to end in sterility. In engaging in this behavior, they know that any attempts to have children can only happen from some intervention from the outside. A same-sex sexual relationship is always going to be empty because it is a relationship without possibility. It is a relationship without hope.
What does provide hope to people who struggle with sins against chastity, whether they are single, married, addicted to pornography, or same-sex attracted is that Christ gives us all the necessary grace to keep striving to live properly-ordered and virtuous lives.
Bishop Mulvey would like to invite everyone in our diocese to continue this conversation about chastity. He has requested that we have a Diocesan Day of Reflection to listen to skilled speakers talk about chastity in a way that is full of joy and hope.
Hudson Byblow, featured in the YOU program from Ascension Press that leads young people through Theology of the Body, is going to be the keynote presenter for the day. He will also be available to speak in other areas in our diocese for the five days he’s visiting us.
Please consider joining us in the conversation on October 20 at the Richard Borchard Center Area in Robstown. Information is available on the diocesan website at diocesecc.org/livinglovetruth.
