Caregiver stress calls for strong faith and prayer

Irene Silva, 76, is a little disappointed because she missed the Charismatic Conference in October and she has been going to it for the past 10 years. She also has not been able to attend her prayer group at St. Joseph’s in Alice. Her time these days is focused on caring for her husband Jose who, at 82 has been exhibiting obvious signs of dementia. 

There were some early warning signs after his stroke three years ago, but it was not until after his surgery in June that she and her six adult children knew he had taken a drastic turn for the worse.

Many family and professional caregivers throughout the nation are caring for loved ones who have some form of dementia. November is National Alzheimer's Disease Awareness month, a time when the nation recognizes and honors family caregivers.

After work, two of the Silvas’ daughters, Celina Martinez and Joann Saenz, take turns everyday relieving their mother in caring for their father. Martinez feels blessed. She is parish secretary at St. Joseph and her pastor, Father Pete Elizardo, allows her to take time away from her job in case her parents need her. All the Silvas’ children were raised in Alice and the one's that live out of town still call St. Joseph their Church.

Saenz, who works at nearby Salazar Elementary, writes everything down. She writes what the doctor says and what medication her father is on and what medications did not work.

Their mother says she can handle it–she just needs a break sometimes. 

Another daughter, Belinda De La Cruz, works at Del Mar and is a member of Our Lady of Perpetual Help Parish in Corpus Christi. She goes to Alice as often as she can. She is no stranger to hard times, having suffered the loss of her husband to cancer. Another daughter, Maribel Silva heads the Office of Pastoral Ministry in the Archdiocese of San Antonio and attends St. Luke’s Parish. Their parents adopted twin boys more than 40 years ago—Arthur, who lives in Austin and David, who works in the oil fields. Both are away a lot, but come home when they can. 

Members of the Silva family are at the beginning stages of caregiving and the family is committed to lessening the emotional, mental and physical toll on their mother. 

"I forget and I can't talk fast and I get tired easy," Jose Silva said anxiously, as his daughter, Maribel Silva, holds his hand encouragingly. He worked 30 years for the U.S. Post Office and was a good provider and—by the way his wife and daughters dote on him—one can see he is a loving husband and father. 

"Seeing him like this when he has always been so strong just breaks your heart—we are all trying to be strong," Martinez said.

There is no direct ministry in the Church for caregivers, but their father's illness is no secret.  Their pastors, parish family, extended family, friends and peers all know what they are going through and they constantly receive prayers, guidance and assurances. 

“Father Pete is available whenever we need him," Martinez said. "I've seen him help other people and if he can't be there, he'll find someone who can." 

"We have to get the power of people praying to give us strength," Silva said. People reach out and minister to them in their own way. Friends and peers share their experiences and what the family can do to make it easier.

"We are all problem solvers," Maribel Silva said of her sisters, "so it makes it real challenging when we don't know how to solve it. We have what Archbishop (Archbishop Gustavo García-Siller) calls a 'healthy tension.' We're passionate and we all love my mom and my dad, so we all want to do the best. 

"I always ask, 'what did the doctor say,' because I'm trying to be reasonable and practical. Celina and Joann live here, so they do the day to day. They're more involved, but I think we have to be respectful and care for each other, and more importantly care for our mother who is healthy. We always hear that it takes a toll on the provider," she said.

The Silvas are fortunate that they do not have financial burdens and they are not alone. 

Felipa Lopez Wilmot, Family Caregiver Program Specialist for the Area Agency on Aging in the Coastal Bend offers help for caregivers. Mary Cottingham, South Texas Catholic

According to Felipa Lopez Wilmot, Family Caregiver Program Specialist for the Area Agency on Aging in the Coastal Bend, some caregivers think they have to do everything. Her advice to them is "take care of yourself; it's not a luxury, it's a necessity. Taking care of yourself is quality of life." 

The Area Agency on Aging offers a stress busting program four times a year as well as monthly support group meetings for family caregivers in Corpus Christi, Kingsville, Alice and Beeville. Each group meets once a month at convenient time slots and are free. 

In her line of work, Wilmot has seen caregivers reach a point of burn out. They may lash out—verbally and it becomes emotional abuse. 

"They need to get outside help, come in each month so they can get away to refresh and renew. God didn't make us to be stressed out," Wilmot said.

Deacon Stephen Nolte, a Chaplain at Christus Hospice and Palliative Care, said most of the caregivers he sees have some form of burn out. "And what I mean by burnout is they are at their wits end. I've seen heroic measures—a woman who has been married to her husband for 72 years…goes to see him in a care facility and feeds him breakfast, lunch and dinner. She tells me that she is so tired and she doesn't know if she can go on, but they do, because they are afraid their loved one will die if they aren't there," he said.

Some family members are new at caregiving and it is completely overwhelming to them. Some cannot handle their emotions. One or two family members end up taking over the care of a family member.

Sometimes Wilmot intercedes for family members who may not know what they can do to help the primary caregiver. 

"Caregivers may say, 'I cannot get my siblings to understand what is going on with my mom,'" Wilmot said. "Families need to work on a plan on how they can support one another. It's up to the primary caregivers to tell other family members the way the disease progresses and how they can provide some kind of support. They usually never think of that. When you are overwhelmed you don't have mental clarity."

Hiring outside help for the Silva family is not an issue right now, but the family knows that in time it will be harder for all of them. The issue is trust said Maribel Silva, "Our valuables are mom and dad." 

"The best place for him is to be home and to have someone here to care for him," Saenz said. 

(For information on Family Caregiver Support groups contact Wilmot at the Area Agency on Aging of the Coastal Bend by email at [email protected] or phone at (361) 883-3935, ext. 5153; email Sally Edsill at [email protected] or call her at (361) 883-3935, ext. 5156; or visit the website on Area Agency on Aging at www.aaacoastalbend.org.)