The selfless purpose of marriage

In the last several weeks, our country has wrestled with the meaning of what is at the heart of human society–the nature of the family and its core, marriage.  Challenging questions about the nature of marriage and family have arisen that have confused many, with answers that are often at odds with the very truth about marriage.

The question that needs to be asked again and again is: What is marriage? What is its purpose?  We begin to understand what marriage is, in part, by seeing what marriage is “for.”  

Interestingly, the Catechism of the Catholic Church (#1211) lists marriage, along with the Sacrament of Holy Orders, to be a sacrament “at the service of communion and the mission of the faithful.” In other words, it is a sacrament that is lived out “for” others.  

Who is the “other” that marriage is “for?” For the husband, it is his wife. For the wife, it is her husband. The total self-giving of one man and one woman to each other in marriage is designed by God to be a “one flesh union (Gn 2:24, Mt 19:6).” It is seen in the nature of the human body to be geared towards the generation of children. In marriage, the “other” for the husband and wife results in and includes the bringing forth and upbringing of children, who have a right to be brought up with a loving father and mother.

Thus marriage, by its nature, has an outward focus. It is “for” the other.  A man and a woman enter marriage not to fulfill themselves but rather to offer themselves totally to the other so that they and the offspring that are meant to come from their marriage can together walk the path to salvation.  In marriage, we see the beautiful paradox come into full view–that it is in giving that we receive; that it is in making a gift of ourselves that we find ourselves.  

Our Catholic tradition, as pointed out so clearly by St. Augustine and many others, observes that since marital self-giving is total and complete, marriage by its nature is permanent, is exclusive and is ordered toward the begetting of children. In other words, total self-giving is permanent self-giving; total self-giving is exclusive self-giving; and total self-giving is sexually complementary self-giving that brings forth new human life.  

The beauty of marriage is not that it is some convenient societal affirmation of our choice of whom to desire. The beauty of marriage is that a man and a woman give themselves over exclusively to each other in love for the whole of their lives and to the natural sexual complementarity that generates offspring.  

This truth is a difficult truth for our society—centered so much on instant gratification and selfishness—to grasp and accept. In the recent Supreme Court decision Obergefell v. Hodges, a narrow majority of five Justices ruled to treat same-sex unions as marriage and thus enshrined in the laws of our land a rejection of the core truth of marriage–that it is based on nature and it exists for the other and not for ourselves.  

Unfortunately, the law of our land now sees marriage as being determined only by an individual’s desire to love whomever he or she pleases, no matter where, to whom and in whatever way that desire is directed. This turns the true meaning of the selflessness of marriage upside-down and reduces it merely to a selfish expression of one’s desires.  It places marriage as part of what Pope Francis has called the “throwaway culture,” to be entered into and discarded at the dictates of one’s wishes.  

Yet marriage is not merely a social construct that can be defined and redefined at the desire of a person or the will of judges on a court. By its very nature it is an objective reality involving the complementary and exclusive unity between a man and a woman in a permanent relationship, ordered towards the procreation and raising of children.  

Sadly, history–even recent history–shows that when governments, courts or regimes redefine aspects of essential truths relating to the human person, the common good is violated and members of the society, especially families, suffer greatly. In such times, it has always been the perseverance of people of faith that keeps alive the truth about the dignity of the human person. It is this same faithful perseverance that is needed now to protect the truth about marriage and the family.  

I encourage all, especially spouses and parents, to continue to learn more about the Church’s beautiful teachings on marriage and not to be ashamed to present these lovingly and clearly to anyone who may be struggling with the truth about marriage. Particularly recommended are sections 1602-1666 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church and sections 48-52 of the Second Vatican Council’s document the “Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World ( Gaudium et spes).” 

Let us thank God for the gift of marriage. Let us be willing, in season and out of season, to spread this Gospel in love and compassion.